Some thoughts on Bisexual Visibility Day

BIG FUCK OFF TRIGGER WARNING 
I talk about sex, consensual and not. it’s not graphic, and it’s not the point of the post, but it’s referenced. 

Bi-erasure is a thing. Don’t even pretend it’s not. Which is why I’m coming out as one of those confused cheating, polyamorous, greedy bitches who can’t pick a side, who is waiting for someone to turn them, who doesn’t exist…. Not really coming out, just popping in to raise my eyebrow and say “What… You didn’t know? Oh honey, bless.” But don’t worry too much about me, I hear it’s just a phase.

Although a label that I could wear, I choose not to. “bisexual” to me signifies the belief of only two sexes or genders. I do not believe this to be true. Or the idea that a bisexual identifying person is only down with two of the many flavors of sex and gender out there. It’s the root of the prefix that irks me. I don’t believe all bisexual identifying people to think there are only two genders. Just personally, I prefer the term ‘Pansexual’. Plus, it lets others make jokes about me “being attracted to pans”. Though it doesn’t get funnier the more I hear it, it makes my friends smile to themselves, and who am I to stop that. I like men, women, that beautiful space in between, masculine, feminine, androgyny, and many other things. I’m attracted to people; everything else is just details.

Looking back on my history, it seems I verymuch favor male/masculine. In sexual partners, emotional partners, romantic partners etc. I have a lot of self doubts because of this. That because I’m historically mostly on one side of the spectrum, because I present so cisgender & heterosexual, that I’m “not bi enough” or “not queer enough” to identify as someone living under the LGBTQIA rainbow umbrella. I’ve heard snickers from people in my queer-family spaces about people like me. Sometimes from the lips of people I love.

Because of this self doubt, I hyper-analyze myself. There are a few factors in my life that I feel have shaped me into leaning more ‘straight’ in my actions. I was raised in a time and culture where all I saw was straight representation; My environment raised me to be “straight”. I was conditioned by what I saw around me how to interact with male types. There was no guideline for how girls can flirt with girls. Just lots of examples of how boys and girls flirt, and how they are supposed to react. I remember as a child feeling the same way towards boys as I did girls. I never thought it was wrong. I always assumed everyone did, but just didn’t talk about it. I was 10 the first time I was called a lesbian. I had no clue what it meant but by the tone the kids used I knew it wasn’t good. When I came home and asked my mom what it meant, she was surprised I had heard that word, and explained it so simply and without judgement that I didn’t understand why the kids used it as a slur. This was the moment I learned that there was “gay” and “straight”. Although neither simplified definition fit me, I assumed I was straight because I liked boys, and gay girls don’t like boys. I didn’t hear the term “bisexual” until well after I had been intimate with a woman. When I heard it, it knocked the wind out of me. It felt so right; a term means that there are others like me and enough that they have a name.

I didn’t have a healthy relationship with the idea of being a women, of having women around me. I felt more comfortable with the boys in my classes than I did the girls. The words the girls had were far meaner than the things the boys ever did or said. But there was one moment that I will never forget. I’ve healed, as much as I can, but I will never forget how I felt. I was at a friends house, playing video games with my boyfriend, when he started to initiate sexytimes and I wanted nothing to do with it. He had other ideas. He raped me on the couch. My ladyfriend, whom I had been romantically involved with, was upstairs. I know she heard me scream. I know she knows what happened. And she never did or said a damn fucking thing. It took me years to forgive myself for not ‘fighting back hard enough” or whatever the fuck illogical brain tries to tell me. And it took me just as long to forgive her. We were 14, and that moment shaped my mistrust of women for far too long. How could someone who claimed to love you not do anything, right? I understand why she hid upstairs so much more now that I am an adult looking back at the memory with adult awareness. We.Were.14. How the fuck am I to expect a 14 year old girl to understand the complexities of what was going on and to involve herself in what can be perceived as a potentially lethal situation for her? She used the tools she had to do what she needed to survive that moment. And I did the same. We never spoke again, but I hope if she ever stumbles across this post that she is well and has forgiven herself, just as I have forgiven her. I don’t blame her for my fear of being romantically involved with women anymore. I blame the situation, and I am moving through it as gracefully as I can.
I think the hardest part of this all is that I will never know the answer. I can’t go back in time and change these things. I don’t know if I would want to anyway; they shaped me into who I am and I kinda dig who that is. My “I dig people, but I tend to get involved with the masculine more” tendencies may be nature, or they may be nurture. Who knows. This entire post was intended to be a little facebook status, talking about my experiences as one who is ‘Other than straight & other than gay” and it turned into so much more. Maybe you’ll take something away from this, maybe you won’t. But I know I feel a little lighter for sharing, and that in itself is enough for me.

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The Thing About Crotch Shots…

I love the sexy bits. I am not here to rant about how genitals are gross. I’m here post my opinion on the crotch shot. The cock shot, you’ve been accosted by it. you get a message in your inbox from someone you’ve been chatting up and BAH! there’s a shotty pic of an unwanted hard on in.your.fucking.face.
But wait, there’s more!

There’s the profile that is empty sans a sentence or two, and only one photo… what is that pic? RUN FOR THE HILLS ITS A COCK! Or you’re looking through someones profile, nice and happy, oh look, there is a picture of them on the beach -next- what a lovely photo. Oh they went to London, how great for them -next- oh here’s a..GOD DAMNIT! -close-

I did not ask to be assaulted by your junk.

I understand that your personal profile is what you want to put on it. But for the love of Gods I can’t figure out why someone would think putting a photo of their cock up is a good idea? Are there any persons out there who enjoy seeing this? I’m less upset when there are other photos of persons daily life up as well, but I personally lose a little respect for someone if they post a close up of their junk for no other reason than its a close up of their junk.

I am aware that I am bitching mostly about penis havers, and their belief that their penis is a god and must be photographed in a public bathroom with poor lighting and lotsa shadow with shaky hands as fast as possible before they get caught. I have the same issue for those with vaginae, and with those with breasts. I bitch less about them not because I prefer them, but because said havers often DON’T post without a purpose.

When their bits are posted its either more than just bits, or its showing off a tie/piercing/enhancement/scene where it is no longer bits for bits sake. Yes I’m generalizing. I’ll pull randomly 100 profiles of people identifying as male, and 100 profiles of people identifying as female and show you the results if you like. I assure you, as an avid perver of adult oriented social networks, the ratio to gratuitous cock shots to tit/cooter shots is crazy.

I love seeing photos people post of nudity, of art, of scenes from their kink or daily life. I enjoy genitorture photos, pics of implants or crotch ties… If you did something you’re proud of show it off regardless of if your crotch is in it. There are photos even in my profile of my nude body, breasts, and of play partners nude body. But in all of those shots, the focus isn’t intended to be “OMG TITS!” or “PENIS!” its showing a tie, bruising, or other moments of “look what I did!”

I guess one could make the argument that showing off your crotch for nothing more than a crotch shot could be identified as something you are proud of or something you can do. But really it come off, to me anyhow, as “Puberty treated me well” or as “look, my penis does what it is designed to do”. There really isn’t a level of skill or talent involved in either scenario.

So what is your opinion on the (not really) obligatory crotch shot? Like, love, annoyed? Do you have one posted, and why? do you loathe them like I do for other reasons? I would love to hear others opinions on this topic.

Published in: on January 19, 2013 at 11:17 pm  Comments (1)  
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The Thing About Crotch Shots

I love the sexy bits. I am not here to rant about how genitals are gross. I’m here post my opinion on the cock shot. The cock shot; you’ve been accosted by it. you get a message in your inbox from someone you’ve been chatting up and BAH! there’s a shotty pic of an unwanted hard on in.your.fucking.face.

But wait, there’s more!

There’s the profile that is empty sans a sentence or two, and only one photo… what is that pic? RUN FOR THE HILLS ITS A COCK! Or you’re looking through someones profile, nice and happy, oh look, there is a picture of them on the beach -next- what a lovely photo. Oh they went to London, how great for them -next- oh here’s a..GOD DAMNIT! -close-

I did not ask to be assaulted by your junk.

I understand that your personal profile is what you want to put on it. But for the love of Gods I can’t figure out why someone would think putting a photo of their junk up is a good idea? Are there any persons out there who enjoy seeing this? I’m less upset when there are other photos of persons daily life up as well, but I personally lose a little respect for someone if they post a close up of their junk for no other reason than its a close up of their junk.

I am aware that I am bitching mostly about penis havers, and their belief that their penis is a god and must be photographed in a public bathroom with poor lighting and lotsa shadow with shaky hands as fast as possible before they get caught. I have the same issue for those with vaginae, and with those with breasts. I bitch less about them not because I prefer them, but because said havers often DON’T post without a purpose. When their bits are posted its either more than just bits, or its showing off a tie/piercing/enhancement/scene where it is no longer bits for bits sake.

Yes I’m generalizing.

I’ll pull randomly 100 profiles of people identifying as male, and 100 profiles of people identifying as female and show you the results if you like. I assure you, as an avid perver of adult themed social networking sites, the ratio of gratuitous cock shots to tit/cooter shots is crazy. I love seeing photos people post of nudity, of art, of scenes from their kink or daily life. I enjoy genitorture photos, pics of implants or crotch ties… If you did something you’re proud of show it off regardless of if your crotch is in it. There are photos even in my profile of my nude body, breasts, and of play partners nude body. But in all of those shots, the focus isn’t intended to be “OMG TITS!” or “PENIS!” its showing a tie, bruising, or other moments of “look what I did!”

I guess one could make the argument that showing off your crotch for nothing more than a crotch shot could be identified as something you are proud of or something you can do. But really it come off, to me anyhow, as “Puberty treated me well” or as “look, my penis does what it is designed to do”. There really isn’t a level of skill or talent involved in either scenario. So what is your opinion on the (not really) obligatory crotch shot? Like, love, annoyed? Do you have one posted, and why? do you loathe them like I do for other reasons? I would love to hear others opinions on this topic.

-me

Published in: on February 24, 2011 at 12:26 am  Leave a Comment  
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